Round Here: Part One

Where to begin???  Any of you who have read my past posts know by now that I'm a flaky blogger.  Ugh!  I still intend to buckle down and hammer out my thoughts, feelings, and happenings.  Life is CHAOS...and that is putting it mildly.  I stay exhausted 99.9% of the time.

There is so much going on right now, that my brain and body are like scrambled eggs. That is why I'm gonna have to break this post into parts.  As y'all know, I don't leave out many details.

Let's start with the obvious.  Daddy.  It seems like I'm grieving in reverse.  I am the saddest right now that I have been since he died.  You would have thought that my brother and I were having a casual meeting with the funeral director.  We seemed like we were shopping for a car instead of a casket.  I did not even flinch when I saw all of those caskets in the fancy "showroom." We picked one out and went on about other things that needed to be taken care of, not one tear shed.

The flood has arrived. 

December 6th marks seven months without my Daddy.  Surely, the holidays are intensifying this hard time.  I have cried so many tears over the past several weeks to fill the seas.  I've been mad at God.  I have quit praying like I'm supposed to.  I'm self-medicating and self-destructing.  This is affecting relationships among friends and family.  It feels like I'm about to implode at any moment.  I feel so very alone and misunderstood.

When I say misunderstood...

I had a lady, who I am very fond of, look at me as if I had grown two heads when I told her I was still having a hard time.  She said, "Lauren! I cannot BELIEVE that you haven't gotten over that and let go yet!!!"  Slap in the face?!  Undersatement.  I spilled my guts and gave her details of what I experienced my Daddy go through during those horrendous six weeks.  I told her all about the end and how traumatic it was to witness.  Those six weeks play like a broken record in my mind daily...especially the end.  After explaining all of this (through tears, sobs, and snot) she was shaking her head and still had that dumbfounded look on her face. She went on to say how I needed to compartmentalize, blah, blah, blah.  I'm still very hurt by her reaction.

Which brings me to my next point...

NOBODY GRIEVES THE SAME AND THERE IS NO TIMETABLE. PERIOD.

That is self-explanatory, so no need to elaborate on that.

My husband, children, Mama, brother, mother-in-law, best friend, other family members, supportive Facebookers, and God have been my safety net. The knots at the end of my rope that keep me from slipping. The buoys that keep me from drowning in my sea of tears.

I can't sleep tonight, so I figured I'd put up a post.  I had no premeditated plan for the course this post would travel.

Stay tuned for Part 2...