Grief has slammed into me like a tsunami in the past couple of weeks. I'm doing great on the outside. New job, beautiful family, beach trips, smiling for pictures, cute house. I'm a pro at putting on my "happy face." But on the inside, I wilt a little more each day. I have been swept off of my feet and tossed along in the unforgiving waters. Some days, I feel like I am drowning. I have cried nonstop for the past three days. Somehow, I manage to keep my nostrils above water and hang on to the few trees that are still standing. Thank you God, for your grace and protection.
Daddy is constantly on my mind. Although I do experience happiness and laughter, there is a veil of sadness draped over me. It literally feels like somebody has poured hot acid Into my stomach. My heart feels like it's been trampled by 1,000 bulls.
Some of my close friends already know this, but I have a hard time cooking since Daddy has been gone. Cooking was something we did together many, many times. The last time I cooked with Daddy was last Christmas. I went to his apartment and helped him prepare at least a dozen of his own recipes for the Christmas party at his work. Daddy was the "go to" man for YEARS at Consolidated Diesel anytime there was going to be an occasion that involved food. He was that good of a cook. He could have had a very successful restaurant or catering business, no doubt. I'm so thankful for that last time I had, just me and Daddy, cooking up a storm. He'd give me a testing spoon and ask me, "How is it, shug?" After a minute of me in a food coma bliss, I'd tell him tht it was perfection... and it was!
I've probably cooked three or four homemade meals since he died. I do make sure that my children are fed. I have really fast stuff on hand for them. Those steamable frozen veggies, chicken nuggets, fresh fruit, and boil in the bag rice have saved my life! There will come a day when I desire to cook again. My Daddy would want me to. I've got to learn how to grill. He made the best bbq chicken and beef ribs you have ever tasted! He made his cakes from scratch. He made the food for my wedding and it was THE BEST wedding food I've ever had. I could go on and on.
There have been a few times when I've wanted to sit down and blog about "the end." I have this urgency to tell the story. It's just too painful and personal. My daddy, or my family, wouldn't want me sharing those intimate details. But I can tell you that it was the hardest, yet most amazing experience of my life. We cheered him on to go meet Jesus. I knew it was inevitable, so I stayed strong for Daddy. I told him we'd be alright. When it was over, I dropped to my knees and thanked God for having mercy on my Daddy and taking him Home. Before Daddy left that night, we sang to him for hours. I'm so glad we did that. I know Daddy loved it. For a couple of weeks before his death, he'd ask us, "Do you hear that singing?? It's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard!" Of course, we couldn't hear it. We told him that it was the angels giving him a preview of what was to come. His welcoming party was preparing him.
We have some hard times ahead. August the 4th will be four months since Daddy went Home. But I know that good times are ahead too. It breaks my heart that he won't be here for any of it.
I came across a card yesterday that Daddy had given me for my 30th birthday. In it, he told me that of all the mistakes he had made in his life, he knew he'd done something right because to him, I was "...one of the best people I know. Forgiving, loving, & caring." My favorite and perhaps most foreshadowing statement that he made in the card was, "Remember, you leave this world without a thing but love."
My brother and I found something very precious and invaluable while cleaning out his apartment. I am going to use part of it for my first tattoo in memory of Daddy. I'm hoping to get that tattoo this fall and share it with y'all then.
There is so much more in my heart and brain that I just want to spill out into this post. I'm going to stop here for now. I leave you with some priceless pictures. Thank you, Mama, for being the one behind the lens. I wouldn't have all of these if it weren't for her. Pray for us all. We're all struggling in our own ways.
Loved his baby girl...
Daddy made his girl so happy :)
Looks like he was happy to be holding me after a hard day's work :)
Easter Sunday
At the beach!
At Grandma's and Papa's house.
Sunset Park
Pretty sure this was at the Spring Hope Pumpkin Festival.
Proud Daddy and proud Big Sister! Justin Michael Batchelor was born!
September 30, 1985. I remember this vividly!
Happy for my Daddy to be home from work :) He worked
at Pepsi before going to CDC. Rocking that perm Daddy, haha!
Daddy loving on his children <3
Easter Sunday
Tradition for Daddy to lay beside me on the living room
floor to watch some television. Remember this too!
Helping Daddy blow out his birthday candles!
Mama and Daddy took us to the beach every summer
growing up. So thankful for the memories. Daddy rocking
that tan! Indian blood.
Helping his little girl build a snowman :)
Loved my Daddy <3
Pullen Park. I remember this day. Mama and Daddy
did so much with us and for us.
Nashville, TN - Mama & Daddy took us. I think I was 15.
We went so that I could sing in front of a producer! I did sing
at Tootsie's underground bar and The Palace, where Randy Travis
was discovered. Great experience, but I wasn't "discovered." That's ok...
my parents were so proud!
Senior Debuette Ball. You can see on my Daddy's face how proud he was.
One of my favorites. Pure Daddy/Daughter love.
Taken before one of my dance recitals.
Thanks for reading and allowing me to share just a glimpse of what I'm going through. Most of all, I'm so proud to share with you just a few of the pictures that depict Daddy's love for his children. Daddy, I miss you more everyday. Thank you for the good memories. See ya later!
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
